MY NAME IS HARRY POTTER.

HEY, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS IT'S ODD THAT THE DEATH EATERS HAVE A CRICKET MATCH SCHEDULED? ISN'T THAT A TYPICALLY MUGGLE GAME? OR DO THEY BOWL WITH MUGGLES OR SOMETHING?

HANG ON, I HELLO? LOOK, I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME AGAIN. NO. STOP CALLING ME. STOP CALLING ME, MALFOY!!! THERE IS NO 'HOW TO GET HARRY POTTER TO SUCK ON MY PENIS' TALK! OKAY? YEAH, ACTUALLY, I AM PRETTY SURE THAT VOLDEMORT'S BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR A WHILE. NO, HE HASN'T. WELL, NO, ACTUALLY, I HAVE A LOT OF EVIDENCE THAT INDICATES THAT HE HAS NO PENIS. HOW DO I KNOW, MALFOY? WELL, BECAUSE HE HAS A PUSSY. HE CLEARLY CAN'T HAVE BOTH UNLESS HE'S HERMAPHRODITIC. ANYWAY I DON'T SEE WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING. NO, HANG UP NOW. HANG UP NOW. BECAUSE I CAN'T BLOODY HANG UP BECAUSE THE PHONE HAS PASTED ITSELF TO MY FACE! IF YOU MENTION YOUR COCK ONE MORE TIME I WILL CUT IT OFF! NO! NO! I WILL NOT TOUCH IT! I WILL HAVE NEVILLE FIND HIS SWORD AND CUT IT OFF, ALL RIGHT? STOP IT. STOP IT. PRANK CALLER! PRANK CALLER!


ANYWAY, I'M JUST SAYING, IT'S WEIRD, ISN'T IT?

I THOUGHT IT WOULD FEEL NICE TO HAVE GIVEN UP ON DEFEATING VOLDEMORT (YES, I SAID HIS NAME), BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT I CAN'T LIVE WHILE HE SURVIVES AFTER ALL.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, I'VE GOT NEW BUSINESS CARDS.  THEY'RE A WONDERFUL COLOUR - 'FELIX FELICIS.'  GINNY, I MUST SHOW YOU.  I WONDER IF I CAN DEFEAT VOLDEMORT (CALM THE FUCK DOWN; YES, I SAID HIS NAME; GET OVER IT, ALL RIGHT?) BY HAVING BETTER BUSINESS CARDS THAN HE DOES.  ACTUALLY, I WONDER IF VOLDEMORT HAS BUSINESS CARDS.  WELL, HE HAD A DIARY WITH HIS NAME ON IT.  I IMAGINE HE'D HAVE BUSINESS CARDS.

ALSO, GINNY, I'M SIRIUS, GET THAT FLOWERY SCENT OUT OF THIS HOUSE.  I'M BEGINNING TO BELIEVE IT'S A SERIOUS MEDICAL PROBLEM BECAUSE IT MAKES MY CHEST KEEP ACTING UP.

GINNY, DID YOU EVER GET THOSE PHOTOS DEVELOPED OF ME AND MY CHAINSAW?


EDITED: THANKS, GINNY! I LOVE THEM. HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED PHOTOGRAPHY AS A CAREER?

SHIT!

OKAY, I HAVE JUST ONE THING TO ASK YOU BEFORE I GO BACK TO PONDERING THE MEANING OF MY EXISTENCE AND WORKING ENTIRELY TOO HARD FOR SOMEONE MY AGE TO FIND THE ANSWERS AND SAVE THE WORLD AT LARGE:

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANNA BREAK HIS FUGLY SOUL INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES AND HIDE THEM IN STUPID SHIT ANYWAY?

I MEAN, IT MAKES SENSE, IF YOU'RE A PANSY-ASS PUSSY SKANK WHORE OF A DARK LORD, BUT LET'S TRY TO IMAGINE THAT AT SOME POINT YOU WERE ACTUALLY A NORMAL PERSON...WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANNA DO THAT?

GOD!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRG

WHAT

I

OKAY, I'M NOT HAPPY.

I WAITED ALL OF MY BIRTHDAY FOR SOME BIRTHDAY WISHES, OR SOME BIRTHDAY PRESENTS, OR SOMETHING, AND THE ONLY PERSON WHO SAYS HAPPY BIRTHDAY IS lookscomefirst?

WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME!

I ACTUALLY SUSPECT SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME, AND IT VERY NEARLY WORKED. A MAN WITH A WEAKER HEART WOULD'VE DIED.

HERE'S THE LIST OF PEOPLE ON LIVEJOURNAL WHO HAVEN'T GIVEN ME GIFTS OR BIRTHDAY WISHES:

abbotts_habits, acridturpintine, albuspresley, alpha_aconite, alwayspms, boogiedownvince, cedeadric, cleverlyanthony, cornered_beef, deanosovirtuoso, deranged_gofer, dracoisyourking, drunkirishdude, flishandswick, girlpowerkthx, grrgoyle, hardlyinit, harvestnarcissi, hufflepuff4life, iloatheyouall, insectintegrity, knot_a_nott, livestoserve, mcquidditch, mynoseisfine, no_opinion, nothisbitch, ohohohwoe, paparazzi_colin, pious_zacharias, plugsplugsplugs, prefectlyernie, purebloodyay, putasockinit, reallyquiteevil, shouldteachdada, slytherinthingy, spidersmustdie, stolen_marbles, tart_in_tartan, terryclothrags, ur_so_vane, vacuousbeefcake, veryverysmart

IF YOU ARE ON THAT LIST...FOR SHAME!

IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, GUYS, GEESH. WHEN PARVATI PATIL'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO GIVES ME BIRTHDAY WISHES...COME TO THINK OF IT, MAYBE YOU GUYS HAVEN'T BECAUSE THIS MEANS THAT THE END HAS FINALLY COME.

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, NEVILLE, DID YOU GET THE BIRTHDAY FLOWERS I SENT YOU? I DIDN'T TRUST THAT OWL. WHEN IT BROUGHT ME THE FLOWERS THAT I SENT TO MYSELF FOR MY BIRTHDAY IT HAD EATEN SEVERAL OF THEM. WHAT'S WITH THAT? I THOUGHT OWLS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CARNIVOROUS.

NOTICE HOW THE LIST HAS BEEN EDITED. ALSO NOTICE HOW MOST OF YOU ARE STILL ON IT.

OKAY, I COMPLETELY OBJECT TO SENIOR SUPERLATIVES.

FIRST OF ALL, WHY DOES NOBODY VOTE FOR ME AS 'MOST LIKELY TO DEFEAT VOLDEMORT'? THIS IS JUST STUPID, YOU GUYS. DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER PICK UP ANYTHING? I MEAN, IN ALL THE YEARS THAT YOU'VE ATTENDED SCHOOL WITH ME, DID IT NEVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT THERE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A REASON THAT VOLDEMORT (AND GET OVER IT, YEAH, I'M SAYING HIS NAME, BUT I'M HARRY POTTER AND I CAN DO THAT) KEEPS PICKING ON ME, ASIDE FROM MY GOOD LOOKS?

I MEAN I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON WHO SAID THAT VOLDEMORT WOULD DEFEAT HIMSELF BY SOME SORT OF WANDING ACCIDENT BECAUSE I CAN COMPLETELY SEE THAT HAPPENING, BUT REALLY, YOU GUYS, DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT MICHAEL CORNER IS GOING TO DEFEAT VOLDEMORT? HE ACTUALLY SYSTEMATICALLY ALMOST DESTROYED LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION. IF ANYTHING HE'S MOST LIKELY TO DO WHAT VOLDEMORT'S BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR AGES ON ACCIDENT JUST BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS BEING ALL CLEVER BUT REALLY HE WAS BEING A DICK. MICHAEL CORNER COULDN'T CLEVER HIS WAY OUT OF A DOUCHEBAG, ALL RIGHT?

AND BY THE WAY, I WASN'T LYING ABOUT THAT ANTIQUE EXPERT THING. I TOOK A CLASS, AND WHOEVER HAS THAT CUP THAT WAS SUPPOSEDLY HUFFLEPUFF'S, I WANT TO SEE IT. JUST TO MAKE SURE IT'S AUTHENTIC. OKAY?

PEOPLE HERE. IT'S A WONDER VOLDEMORT EVER FOUND HOGWARTS THREATENING.

OH, IS IT 7TH YEAR?

I GUESS I'M THE ONLY PERSON WHO DOES ANY WORK AROUND HERE.

TYPICAL.

AND I DO IT ALL...WET.

I'M SO DEPRESSED.

I THOUGHT I WOULD FEEL BETTER IF I WROTE AN ENTRY.

BUT I DON'T. I JUST FEEL WORSE.

WHAT'S THE USE OF HAVING A BRAIN THE SIZE OF A PLANET WHEN ALL YOU CAN DO WITH IT IS TYPE UP AN ENTRY ON THE COMPUTER.

OH GOD.

WHAT A DEPRESSINGLY DULL DAY.

I'M NOT REALLY MUCH OF A GUY FOR SPORTING EVENTS, BUT THE WIZARD OLYMPICS ARE KILLER.

EVEN MORE KILLER IS WATCHING THE MUGGLE OLYMPICS WHEN THEY GET MIXED UP. AS GINNY, THE MAN-EATING BITCH, MENTIONED EARLIER, A WIZARD SKATER MIXED HIS SKATES UP WITH MUGGLE SKATES.

NOW, GINNY THOUGHT THIS WAS FUNNY, BUT GINNY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT FUNNY IS, BECAUSE SHE WASN'T WATCHING ALL THE MUGGLES AT NAGANO WONDERING WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON.

THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES WERE PRICELESS.

I HAVE IT ON VIDEO, IF ANYBODY IS INTERESTED IN RELIVING THIS MOMENT WITH ME AGAIN...AND AGAIN...AND AGAIN...AND POSSIBLY ANOTHER TIME.

OF COURSE YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO SIT NEAR ME, SEEING AS I AM STILL RATHER WET.

I'M STARTING TO GET MORE THAN JUST MY USUAL ANGRY ABOUT THIS.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

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A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO FUND THESE EXCURSIONS, AND SO I WENT JOBSEARCHING WHEREVER I HAPPENED TO BE.

OF COURSE, I HAD SOME DIFFICULTIES--THAT BEING THAT I ATTENDED SIX YEARS OF HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, AND THAT MOST MUGGLE EMPLOYERS DON'T CONSIDER THAT VALID--SO I WENT TO THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC, WHO SAID THEY COULDN'T HELP ME WITH A JOB IN AMERICA, WHERE I AM CURRENTLY BASED.

THEY REFERRED ME TO SOMEONE ELSE, WHO SAID THEY COULDN'T HELP ME HERE, EITHER, BECAUSE I'M NOT FROM AMERICA.

SO I TOLD THEM TO GO SCREW THEMSELVES AND I REALISED, HEY, I HAVE A WAND, SO I JUST...FABRICATED SOME QUALIFICATIONS.

IT ONLY TOOK ME A LITTLE WHILE TO GET HIRED, BUT I HAVE NOW BEEN HIRED BY SOME POLITICAL MAGAZINE.

I'M NOT SURE IF THEY FIND MY ACCENT OR MY NAME BELIEVABLE, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M UNDERCOVER.

I JUST THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU LOT, SO COLIN COULD BE INSANELY JEALOUS AND I COULD PROVE THAT ROMILDA VANE'S JOURNALISTIC PROWESS IS CRAP.

OF COURSE, NOW I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT, BUT I'M SURE I'LL FIND SOMETHING...RIGHT?

OH GOD, I'M GOING TO BE A FAILURE OF A JOURNALIST.

YOU KNOW, FIRST VOLDEMORT KILLS YOUR PARENTS, THEN YOU GET STUCK IN AMERICA, AND THEN YOU GET A JOB AS A FAKE JOURNALIST.

OR I MEAN, A FAKE JOB AS A JOURNALIST.

OR RATHER, I SUPPOSE, A JOB AS A JOURNALIST.

ER...I HATE VOLDEMORT.

ARGH I CAN'T W

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER LIKE ANYTHING, BUT I CAN CONFESS TO NOT COMPLETELY HATING NOT BEING AT SCHOOL.

THIS IS THE LIFE. I GET UP WHEN I WANT TO, DON'T HAVE TO SEE SNAPE, AND DON'T HAVE TO GET THAT HORRIBLE FEELING THAT MY SHOELACES MIGHT COME UNTIED WHILE I'M WALKING PAST THE VEIL TO DINNER EVERY DAY.

ER, BY THE WAY, HAS ANYONE EVER BEEN TO WISCONSIN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE THEY SPEAK THERE?